Today.

Was horrible.
It's hard to explain why it was so bad, it just was. I got home from work, rolled over and took a nap for a little while, as I normally do when I come home. I don't really remember what happened, but I heard the doorbell flicking back and forth (we took the bell off, or at least I did), and it was my boyfriend's father. It's a long story as to why I don't like him and he doesn't like me. To tell the truth, I'm still pretty unclear as to the reasons that he doesn't like me. And I'm talking about the real reason, not the multitude of lies he's told about me unless he actually believes them, in which case, I guess that's an okay reason except for the fact that none of them are true. He reminds me all too much of my ex. It's like I'm looking at a carbon copy every time I see him. He may look different, but the way he thinks, acts and feels towards me are all the same. Obviously the physical and sexual abuse aren't there, but I don't doubt that he'd physically abuse me if he got the chance. He's already been following me around, and acting completely inappropriate. It just reminds me of my past life so it's really hard to deal with.
After him showing up and doing whatever, getting his socks or whatever, he said he'd be back in the morning to collect the rest of his things. I told my boyfriend that I wanted to put them all in a bag, just so that there would be no reason for him to come back and that he could take his things and go because I really don't trust what's going to happen tomorrow. I really think that he's up to something no good, and I really, honestly believe that something is going to happen. I have such a bad feeling about all this and it's really bothering me.
After that, I pretty much laid in bed and sobbed for a while. The multitude of memories that have been floating around in my head become hard to deal with sometimes. I was almost too depressed to get out of bed. I finally forced myself to get up and into the shower and then out to get some food. I left without saying goodbye to my boyfriend. I just sort of looked at him for a few minutes while he was sleeping and then wandered out. I got some chinese food and sat for a while. I felt better for a bit, but now I really don't feel all that great again. I keep thinking about tomorrow and what's going to happen. I'm really uncomfortable.
I don't think my boyfriend cares.
He seems unwilling to give any sort of thought to my suggestions. Tomorrow he's going to go down with his father and let him in while he cleans out his belongings, and I trust that there's either going to be a rant, or some kind of other shenanigans. I keep having like...visions or thoughts in my head of what could go down and it's really upsetting and bothering me. I don't understand why we need to do this at all. I wish that someone else could do it for us. I guess my biggest fear is that he's going to turn up drunk and beligerent as he has a tendancy to do. I just can't help but feel like this is going to turn up being a massive disaster. I really hope that I'm wrong for my own sake. I really really do.
As for right now, all I feel is worried and upset. Worried because of the aforementioned reasons, and upset because honestly, I feel like no one cares about my feelings. And when I say no one, I mean mostly my boyfriend. He usually listens to me when I ask him to do something and I'm very grateful for that, but I feel like on this subject, no one gives a shit. I can talk until I'm blue int he face and no one is going to care, especially not him. Anything I say goes in one ear and out the other. It's like talking to a brick wall. I actually thinkt hat having a conversation with a brick wall might be more productive at times. I know I talk badly about his father, and I know that's wrong. especially considering that it IS his father, but most people within their right minds can't blame me. The man treats me almost identically to someone who beat, sodomized and raped me for nearly three years straight and more or less ruined my life. Perhaps not ruined the whole thing, but completely destroyed my self esteem, self respect and my identity. How is it that I'm supposed to be okay with his twin coming around here and continuously hurting me?

I feel so depressed. Not only do I have the ORIGINAL bad memories floating around in my mind now, I have new horrible ones courtesy of my boyfriend's father.

I feel ruined.

Finally!

The first day at work where i've actually eaten as I'm supposed to! Might update with more detail later. you know how difficult it gets during the workweek.

apparently...

RESULTS - GUIDELINE ONLY

Maintenance:	2942 Calories/day
Fat Loss:	2353 Calories/day
Extreme Fat Loss:	1765 Calories/day
Now that I work out and have a physical job, those are my calorie needs. Interesting.

Ugh.

I feel horrible. I didn't even eat that much today and I feel bloated and uncomfortable. I'm trying so hard to lose more weight and I feel like nothing is happening. I've been eating more but since I have a job, it's sort of necessary. I guess I have to somehow try to put a curb on it. It sucks so bad though. :/

Ho Hum.

So. I've eaten nearly nothing today (thank god). I thought I was going to get a little peckish at night when I have nothing really to do other than hang around, watch television and potentially eat. I ate one dream muffin, which has a total of like...200 calories or thereabouts I think. I also had a miniature candy bar, which was 150, and of course, some jelly berries, which were nearly nothing as well. I want a glass of juice but I'm not sure if that's really on the 'diet' thing that i've been going on. I've never been so tired in my life, but my back hurts very badly right now. I'm really uncomfortable and I have no desire to do anything other than be awake because as I said, it hurts too much to sleep. I'm going to take out the money so i can go join the gym tomorrow. I was trying to avoid it but it's just something that I have to do. Even if I walk on the treadmill for a couple of miles per day, it has to be done, I have to do SOMETHING, SOMEHOW. And I need to lay off the junk but I'm not having such a good time of that. I rather like noshing on junk and it's going to be considerably difficult to wean myself off of it.

I have a job.

Since it's a night job and I've needed energy and have been eating an awful lot, I don't know how this is going to effect my weight but it's scaring me since I've been eating ALOT more than I usually do. It's hard to help though, considering that I'm always hungry because of the physical amount of exertion that goes into my job. I dunno. I've been at it for a week. I guess we'll see. I'm going to start the whole dieting thing again on monday since it was my first week this week and I've been trying as hard as I can to do well and ignoring diet guidelines.

It's been so long. I've been so busy.

Yeah, not much to say or do or explain. Life in of itself has just taken it's toll. I've been rejected for a bunch of jobs where my boyfriend works, and here are a couple of people there who might be interested in me, but I don't care anymore. I'm so horribly depressed over it but there's not much I can do.

Anyway.

Just figured I'd use this entry as a bit of a scratching list so I can talk about what places i'd like to go on vacation someday. Hoping that doing a little dreaming about getting away will make me much less depressed. I'll write another, longer entry later, but right now I just don't have it in me. I'm more upset than anything else.

• Indonesia
• Malaysia
• Philippines
• Singapore
• Thailand
• Vietnam
• China
• Japan
• Mongolia
• South Korea
• Hong Kong
• Sri Lanka
• India
• Bangladesh
• Morocco
• Egypt
• Cyprus
• Lebanon
• Possibly Pakistan

I'm sure there are like one or two more, but for the most part I've gotten that I'd like to explore Asia. Of course there are other spots that interest me, mostly in Europe, but there's something so mystical and interesting about Asia that I would like to experience piece by piece.

Lazy.

I apologize for the lack of entries. I've been distracted since we've returned.
Strangely enough, Ted's father has yet to show up. I sort of assumed that he'd be here every day since we got home, trying to practically break down the door to get our attention, but he hasn't been here. I don't think he's finally learned his lesson though. I think that he'll come back eventually, hence why we've made the decision to go to the police not tomorrow, but either Thursday or Friday.

I don't want to go home.

So basically, me and the boy have been in his hometown of Ronneby for the past two days. And as it comes down to it, I don't want to come home. At all. I enjoy the company of his mother and sister, I enjoy the quiet and the general...suburbyness of it all. I'm miserable because I know that I'm going to have to go home again and be plunged back into a situation where I don't want to be, mostly with his father, and the frustration of not being able to get a job and attending SFI every day and trying as hard as I can to finish it as soon as humanly possible...all of that. Also, my mother sent me a package and i'm deathly afraid it might be stolen by his father but in retrospect that's sort of a silly thing to say now, i suppose. I tried to fit my hand in the mailbox and it wouldn't go. So...I'm not sure how to feel about that. I'm just upset. I like being away from the stress and the pain of that whole situation. I don't want to go back.

Gross.

Today wasn't really good in terms of dieting. I made the mistake of sleeping and then getting up and eating. My problem is that after I nap, i always become ravenous. I'm unsure as to why but it just happens like that.
I had a bunch of ground taco meat, veggies and sauce, and some cheese. Which I guess, could be worse but at the same time, in my book, that is pretty bad. I also heated up some other food when I was ravenous and I didn't touch it yet.
Tomorrow i'm going on more of a diet. I've got to start really trying instead of just skating by. This always seems to happen when I fuck up royally on the weekend, I always have trouble finding my footing.

well well well

I finally realized what my problem is. This week, I did wonderfully in the diet department, until the weekend. Then, with the addition of alcohol, and alcohol leading to bad dietary decisions, I was easily eating over 3000 calories a day. I'm appalled at this, but seeing that this is what I do has really helped me to understand my rough patches and why my diets don't seem to be working. As much as this pains me to do, next weekend, i'm really going to have to reign it in. Unfortunately, since we'll be spending it with ted's mother in his hometown, i probably will have one or two more mishaps but I really really have to overall watch what I eat and start making better decisions. I'm doing my best not to get overly angry at myself for what i've eaten this weekend, instead, using it as a learning experience, a chance to study myself, and understand what i'm doing wrong. Today was another day in which i ate a copious amount of food, probably in the neighborhood of 2500, i'd like to say. Tomorrow it's back to normal, and hopefully today will be the last day I have to feel guilty about this.

Failure.

I went on an eating binge and my final total is almost 3000 calories.

I'm really disappointed in myself.

But as most people in the diet world say, you can't let one setback destroy you for a bunch of days. You just gotta cut your losses and keep going, which is exactly what I plan on doing. I'm not going to be especially restrictive tomorrow or anything but I really hope a day like this doesn't happen again. I've just chocked it up to period cravings and plan on moving on.

I never thought I'd feel this way again.

Through the entire time that life has been throwing it's hardships at me over the last month or so, I've not said anything. I've been optimistic and hopeful because at least one or two issues that I had were resolved. Today Ted's father kept coming by and trying to bother us again. It just bothered me because through the entire time with my cousin and everything, I just kept saying to myself that 'Well, at least he's not around anymore to bother us'. I hate this shit. And what's more is I feel like Ted doesn't care. I understand wanting to help out your father, I really really do, but we both agreed that he'd be out. Out out out. Not hanging around outside, knocking on our fucking door all the time.
Words can't really say or describe what I feel right now. I'm not resigned to my fate, I can tell you that much. I thought of just giving up but I can't. There are a few things that are not in my nature that I just can't do and this is one of them. It's just getting harder and harder to fight for a positive future when the here and now looks as bleak as I've ever seen it.
There's nothing much that I can really say else. I'm upset with Ted for continuing to lend his assistance to his father after we agreed to get rid of him. I understand that he's homeless and an alcoholic and needs help but the bottom line is that we agreed to make a clean break from him because of the way he was treating us and more or less sabotaging our lives with his stupidity. He needs to change his behavior. He's still not willing to apologize for any of the crap he's done and I hate him for it. It hurts me daily and I feel like the one person who's supposed to love me above everyone else couldn't care less.
Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep forever so I wouldn't have to feel anything.

Another Tikka Masala day!

Last night, my calorie count ended in about 1600 calories. It's 100 more than I'm really supposed to be eating but I figure that in general, my count will fluctuate some days and that that's perfectly natural.
Although today, I got that tikka masala again. I'm so excited. It's so delicious. It's this frozen version though. It's premixed with a bunch of veggies and stuff. It'll be yummy for dinner. As for today, i'm exhausted though and am probably going to go take a nap after I finish writing this.
Still no news about the job. Still hoping no news is good news.
I'm exhausted for some reason. Even when I sleep more than usual, i'm always tired. The most energized that I've felt this week was when I woke up after six hours, after going to bed at one in the morning. I'm not understanding how that works, haha.
And, I ran all the way up to class today so far to find out that my teacher was absent so I ultimately just went home. :/
I bought ted some pasta bolognaise for dinner. I told him that he had to quit eating so much fat and this probably isn't the best place to start but you know, it's at least made with fresh tomatos and stuff and I looked at the label and it's not ridiculously dreadful.
All i've eaten today was some leftovers from last night, which i'm guessing stand at about 480 calories. Why? I have no idea. It wasn't even that much but I didn't really weigh it before I ate it so...I wasn't entirely sure. It was fatty and gross but it was delicious. I'm just sorry that I broke down and ate it but when it's the only thing there....you know how that goes.

More later.

End yesterday and some of today.

So. Yesterday I ended my day with an AMAZING calorie count of 1435 calories, give or take a little bit because I had a little dribble of milk in my coffee, but I was spot on with my total yesterday. I was so pleased with myself.
Today I suffered a little setback though. I took my boyfriend to the supermarket with me (the fatal mistake that I usually make) and he ended up getting these things called oat balls. And they're delicious. hence the problem. They stand at a whopping 280 calories each, and I had two today. I was having such a good day too. I started off with a fruit breakfast at 200 calories and was planning on getting another dinner in a bag, frozen so it would have been low in calories as well and preportioned. Turns out that they sell single portion bag dinners but I'm not sure how I feel about those yet. Anyway, I'm about to have some stir fried veggies as well. So that's 200 plus 560 calories, plus 115 for the veggies and another 232 for the sauce that i'm going to put on them. I cook them in a little bit of margerine but I don't really count that since most of it ends up streaked on the pan anyway and not alot of it actually gets into my mouth. I should probably find something a little more wholesome to cook it in anyway though. It's a minimal amount of calories as well. Near nothing. But so far, my total looks to be about 1107 calories. It doesn't leave much room for dinner but I figure that i'm not going to eat an exceedingly large amount of food anyway. I'll probably eat a little bit of falafel, and not much else. I'm not sparing my evening coffee though. Definitely not.
There's no word on the job that i'm after, but as I said to Ted, no news is good news. The only time i'd be expecting him to step up and tell him anything is if he lost the contract, so as I said, no news is good news. He's going to ask the other guy that he was originally going to ask as well soon. I keep pushing him to do that because I figure it wouldn't be a good idea to put all my eggs in one basket. I already told ted that if I get the job, with my first paycheck I'm buying myself a new phone with perhaps a new plan. That would be truly awesome. And then stocking the fridge and more or less just getting what I want to.
His dad almost showed up today which was really annoying at first but I think he's finally taking what ted told him to heart and staying away.
My mom saw my cousin yesterday. She said that she wasn't as responsive as she was on sunday, but I like to think that's because she needs her rest. My mom said that's exactly what it was.
Ted goes on a little company cruise this weekend. I'm nervous as all hell to be perfectly honest with you. I've seen him get drunk and it's not pretty, but I'm hoping that he'll behave himself. He promised me he would. I'm just upset because it's the first time that i'm going to be alone for more than just a few hours, so I'm going to be pretty lonely. I'm hoping he'll text me back alot. Not so much as to ruin his time but just keep in touch with me. I'm going to probably drink myself, although I'm not quite sure where alcohol would fall on my diet plan. I suppose we'll just have to see. I'm not going to have much though. I'm thinking more rum and cokes. That seems to be my poison as of late.

Hum drum sorta morning.

So, I'm starving.

My breakfast was somewhere around 235 calories because of the fact that I just had one of those yummy drinkable yoghurts. I originally wasn't going to eat anything but i saw they had a flavor that I hadn't seen before, so I went for it. I bought some interesting things for dinner. I was still going to be on my anti-carb kick but I saw a frozen package of premade tikka masala and decided to get it. I figure a dosage every now and again isn't a bad thing, but I'm severely limiting everything else, like white bread and pasta and stuff. Rice mixed with veggies isn't that dreadful.
Ted may have found me a job, it seems. Apparently if the person he asked can keep some sort of contract for the next two weeks, it's very possible I might have a job. I'm really excited as I've always wanted to work for DHL since I got here. I'd have the same hours as my boyfriend, and we'd be able to spend more time together as opposed to just a tiny bit each day, most of for which he's sorta grumpy and unhappy because he's tired. I'm dying for this job, I'm so excited. I really hate that i've got my hopes up because I'm afraid of being disappointed but I really really want this job, as I keep stating.
My cousin is still in the hospital. She's responding to outside stimuli which is amazingly great. My aunt told her to lift her arm and she did, and she also asked her if she could hear her, and my cousin nodded. I assume she's having trouble talking with all the drugs and the mixture of her being on a respirator (I believe my mother said she was), and I'm assuming they've given her a feeding tube as well since she's mostly unconsious, I don't believe she can eat by herself, obviously. I'll keep hoping and praying for that as well. I gave my Uncle a pep talk, which was strange. Normally I find him to be so abraisive and more or less socially inept in an obnoxious fashion but I suppose time apart from everyone has really allowed us all to finally see each other in a new light, and a more loving and forgiving one. I miss my mother and father alot. Whenever I talk to my dad on the phone, he sounds so gruff. Almost like hearing my voice makes him upset because I'm so far away. He'll have me back soon. Maybe not as soon as intended because if I get this job, I'm thinking of staying here a little longer than first expected because I can really make some good money here and then bring that back with me to the u.s. I'm beginning to think that maybe my father was right, you know? If I got a job, things would be alot more tolerable for everyone involved. I'd be able to take a load off, go shopping and just relax for once as opposed to worrying about how much money we're spending between the both of Ted and myself. So If i get this job, I'm going to see how I feel. I'm sure things will become alot more bearable after my first paycheck, haha.
Ted said two weeks. I'm going to be dreaming of this job until then.

End of day one.

I ended the day at about 1560 calories, and that was only because I felt the need to sample some of the things I was cooking my boyfriend. It sorta sucks when you literally count every last calorie that goes into your mouth.
Anyways. That means i'm 60 calories over the limit and I'm sure I did well today.

First post.

Gosh, I love the smell of a new blog in the morning! I'm not quite sure why I started this blog to be completely honest. Mostly to chronical the influx of activity in my life and keep my thoughts organized as I go through my life. I figured it might finally help with my dieting, my job search and almost everything else that I'm doing with myself nowadays. After all, I am trying to lose between fifty and sixty pounds, adjust to living in a foreign country, and perhaps get myself and my boyfriend back to my home. I never thought that having a diary was a worthwhile thing until now. I always thought that if I wanted to organize my thoughts I could take a day off and sleep it off or just leave them inside my head, rotting like little scraps of meat left untouched for quite some time. Now, I see that's not working. Anyway. For today, nothing much happened. Ted went out with Madde who's having some trouble with her boyfriend but I'm sure things will smooth over in time. As for myself, I'm trying my best to keep track of what i've eaten for the day as i'm really trying to get this diet thing under control, as much as it seems to not want to work. I don't know what's making it so hard other than the fact that on weekends or whenever ted is eating some kind of junk food, I seem to lose control. It really disappoints me with how big I've gotten. I feel like I oftentimes look in a mirror and start thinking to myself 'wow, am I really that big?'. I also like to watch television shows, and in addition to the story I always find a secondary dialogue taking place in my head, having thoughts like 'wow, this girl is really pretty' or 'maybe I could be that skinny if I only tried'. It's super difficult but I'm working on it. As healthfully as possible. I recently found out that because of my PCOS, dieting with a low fat diet is difficult and I need to cut out carbs instead because of the surplus in blood sugar I tend to have because of that god forsaken condition. I hate it so much, It makes everything so difficult. I wish that I just had a normal body like a normal girl instead of this stupid thing that looks nothing like a body to me. I'm hoping that everything works out this time and I won't feel this way anymore because I feel like it's starting to take a toll on me and I just want everything to be better. I ate atrociously yesterday, but today i'm doing a little better. I only ate about 395 calories thusfar, in the form of lean chicken breast, the milk in my coffee and a handful of peanut m&m's (That's what I mean about my boyfriend and his junk food, heh), and that landed me there. I had some frozen fruit with sugar substitute which I would estimate brings it to around 450 calories altogether. I don't usually count the full calories of the fruit because I feel as if that encourages me to eat more fruit and veggies. If I can have more of it, and calorie free, why not eat more of it? Sort of thing. Besides, the frozen fruit was literally nothing but frozen fruit, no syrups, no preservatives, no added sugar or flavorings, just literally frozen fruit in a box. It's no different than if I ate fruit salad instead. Which I think is quite a good thing. I'm unsure as to what i'm going to eat for dinner. Probably some falafel that I have in the freezer. My boyfriend has these disgusting things called blood pudding, I never quite fully understood what those were and I have absolutely no desire to try them. In my honest opinion they sound absolutely disgusting and they don't look much better. He bought home that and bacon. One of the more repulsive things that i've seen in my lifetime, haha. Anyway, I'm probably going to go study more swedish and will update later. Not sure what about. Hopefully I'll have something a little more interesting to discuss than the mundane happenings of my day, perhaps something slightly deeper and more introspective than just my comings and goings, haha. One can only hope, right?