First post.

Gosh, I love the smell of a new blog in the morning! I'm not quite sure why I started this blog to be completely honest. Mostly to chronical the influx of activity in my life and keep my thoughts organized as I go through my life. I figured it might finally help with my dieting, my job search and almost everything else that I'm doing with myself nowadays. After all, I am trying to lose between fifty and sixty pounds, adjust to living in a foreign country, and perhaps get myself and my boyfriend back to my home. I never thought that having a diary was a worthwhile thing until now. I always thought that if I wanted to organize my thoughts I could take a day off and sleep it off or just leave them inside my head, rotting like little scraps of meat left untouched for quite some time. Now, I see that's not working. Anyway. For today, nothing much happened. Ted went out with Madde who's having some trouble with her boyfriend but I'm sure things will smooth over in time. As for myself, I'm trying my best to keep track of what i've eaten for the day as i'm really trying to get this diet thing under control, as much as it seems to not want to work. I don't know what's making it so hard other than the fact that on weekends or whenever ted is eating some kind of junk food, I seem to lose control. It really disappoints me with how big I've gotten. I feel like I oftentimes look in a mirror and start thinking to myself 'wow, am I really that big?'. I also like to watch television shows, and in addition to the story I always find a secondary dialogue taking place in my head, having thoughts like 'wow, this girl is really pretty' or 'maybe I could be that skinny if I only tried'. It's super difficult but I'm working on it. As healthfully as possible. I recently found out that because of my PCOS, dieting with a low fat diet is difficult and I need to cut out carbs instead because of the surplus in blood sugar I tend to have because of that god forsaken condition. I hate it so much, It makes everything so difficult. I wish that I just had a normal body like a normal girl instead of this stupid thing that looks nothing like a body to me. I'm hoping that everything works out this time and I won't feel this way anymore because I feel like it's starting to take a toll on me and I just want everything to be better. I ate atrociously yesterday, but today i'm doing a little better. I only ate about 395 calories thusfar, in the form of lean chicken breast, the milk in my coffee and a handful of peanut m&m's (That's what I mean about my boyfriend and his junk food, heh), and that landed me there. I had some frozen fruit with sugar substitute which I would estimate brings it to around 450 calories altogether. I don't usually count the full calories of the fruit because I feel as if that encourages me to eat more fruit and veggies. If I can have more of it, and calorie free, why not eat more of it? Sort of thing. Besides, the frozen fruit was literally nothing but frozen fruit, no syrups, no preservatives, no added sugar or flavorings, just literally frozen fruit in a box. It's no different than if I ate fruit salad instead. Which I think is quite a good thing. I'm unsure as to what i'm going to eat for dinner. Probably some falafel that I have in the freezer. My boyfriend has these disgusting things called blood pudding, I never quite fully understood what those were and I have absolutely no desire to try them. In my honest opinion they sound absolutely disgusting and they don't look much better. He bought home that and bacon. One of the more repulsive things that i've seen in my lifetime, haha. Anyway, I'm probably going to go study more swedish and will update later. Not sure what about. Hopefully I'll have something a little more interesting to discuss than the mundane happenings of my day, perhaps something slightly deeper and more introspective than just my comings and goings, haha. One can only hope, right?