Today.

Was horrible.
It's hard to explain why it was so bad, it just was. I got home from work, rolled over and took a nap for a little while, as I normally do when I come home. I don't really remember what happened, but I heard the doorbell flicking back and forth (we took the bell off, or at least I did), and it was my boyfriend's father. It's a long story as to why I don't like him and he doesn't like me. To tell the truth, I'm still pretty unclear as to the reasons that he doesn't like me. And I'm talking about the real reason, not the multitude of lies he's told about me unless he actually believes them, in which case, I guess that's an okay reason except for the fact that none of them are true. He reminds me all too much of my ex. It's like I'm looking at a carbon copy every time I see him. He may look different, but the way he thinks, acts and feels towards me are all the same. Obviously the physical and sexual abuse aren't there, but I don't doubt that he'd physically abuse me if he got the chance. He's already been following me around, and acting completely inappropriate. It just reminds me of my past life so it's really hard to deal with.
After him showing up and doing whatever, getting his socks or whatever, he said he'd be back in the morning to collect the rest of his things. I told my boyfriend that I wanted to put them all in a bag, just so that there would be no reason for him to come back and that he could take his things and go because I really don't trust what's going to happen tomorrow. I really think that he's up to something no good, and I really, honestly believe that something is going to happen. I have such a bad feeling about all this and it's really bothering me.
After that, I pretty much laid in bed and sobbed for a while. The multitude of memories that have been floating around in my head become hard to deal with sometimes. I was almost too depressed to get out of bed. I finally forced myself to get up and into the shower and then out to get some food. I left without saying goodbye to my boyfriend. I just sort of looked at him for a few minutes while he was sleeping and then wandered out. I got some chinese food and sat for a while. I felt better for a bit, but now I really don't feel all that great again. I keep thinking about tomorrow and what's going to happen. I'm really uncomfortable.
I don't think my boyfriend cares.
He seems unwilling to give any sort of thought to my suggestions. Tomorrow he's going to go down with his father and let him in while he cleans out his belongings, and I trust that there's either going to be a rant, or some kind of other shenanigans. I keep having like...visions or thoughts in my head of what could go down and it's really upsetting and bothering me. I don't understand why we need to do this at all. I wish that someone else could do it for us. I guess my biggest fear is that he's going to turn up drunk and beligerent as he has a tendancy to do. I just can't help but feel like this is going to turn up being a massive disaster. I really hope that I'm wrong for my own sake. I really really do.
As for right now, all I feel is worried and upset. Worried because of the aforementioned reasons, and upset because honestly, I feel like no one cares about my feelings. And when I say no one, I mean mostly my boyfriend. He usually listens to me when I ask him to do something and I'm very grateful for that, but I feel like on this subject, no one gives a shit. I can talk until I'm blue int he face and no one is going to care, especially not him. Anything I say goes in one ear and out the other. It's like talking to a brick wall. I actually thinkt hat having a conversation with a brick wall might be more productive at times. I know I talk badly about his father, and I know that's wrong. especially considering that it IS his father, but most people within their right minds can't blame me. The man treats me almost identically to someone who beat, sodomized and raped me for nearly three years straight and more or less ruined my life. Perhaps not ruined the whole thing, but completely destroyed my self esteem, self respect and my identity. How is it that I'm supposed to be okay with his twin coming around here and continuously hurting me?

I feel so depressed. Not only do I have the ORIGINAL bad memories floating around in my mind now, I have new horrible ones courtesy of my boyfriend's father.

I feel ruined.