Today.

Was horrible.
It's hard to explain why it was so bad, it just was. I got home from work, rolled over and took a nap for a little while, as I normally do when I come home. I don't really remember what happened, but I heard the doorbell flicking back and forth (we took the bell off, or at least I did), and it was my boyfriend's father. It's a long story as to why I don't like him and he doesn't like me. To tell the truth, I'm still pretty unclear as to the reasons that he doesn't like me. And I'm talking about the real reason, not the multitude of lies he's told about me unless he actually believes them, in which case, I guess that's an okay reason except for the fact that none of them are true. He reminds me all too much of my ex. It's like I'm looking at a carbon copy every time I see him. He may look different, but the way he thinks, acts and feels towards me are all the same. Obviously the physical and sexual abuse aren't there, but I don't doubt that he'd physically abuse me if he got the chance. He's already been following me around, and acting completely inappropriate. It just reminds me of my past life so it's really hard to deal with.
After him showing up and doing whatever, getting his socks or whatever, he said he'd be back in the morning to collect the rest of his things. I told my boyfriend that I wanted to put them all in a bag, just so that there would be no reason for him to come back and that he could take his things and go because I really don't trust what's going to happen tomorrow. I really think that he's up to something no good, and I really, honestly believe that something is going to happen. I have such a bad feeling about all this and it's really bothering me.
After that, I pretty much laid in bed and sobbed for a while. The multitude of memories that have been floating around in my head become hard to deal with sometimes. I was almost too depressed to get out of bed. I finally forced myself to get up and into the shower and then out to get some food. I left without saying goodbye to my boyfriend. I just sort of looked at him for a few minutes while he was sleeping and then wandered out. I got some chinese food and sat for a while. I felt better for a bit, but now I really don't feel all that great again. I keep thinking about tomorrow and what's going to happen. I'm really uncomfortable.
I don't think my boyfriend cares.
He seems unwilling to give any sort of thought to my suggestions. Tomorrow he's going to go down with his father and let him in while he cleans out his belongings, and I trust that there's either going to be a rant, or some kind of other shenanigans. I keep having like...visions or thoughts in my head of what could go down and it's really upsetting and bothering me. I don't understand why we need to do this at all. I wish that someone else could do it for us. I guess my biggest fear is that he's going to turn up drunk and beligerent as he has a tendancy to do. I just can't help but feel like this is going to turn up being a massive disaster. I really hope that I'm wrong for my own sake. I really really do.
As for right now, all I feel is worried and upset. Worried because of the aforementioned reasons, and upset because honestly, I feel like no one cares about my feelings. And when I say no one, I mean mostly my boyfriend. He usually listens to me when I ask him to do something and I'm very grateful for that, but I feel like on this subject, no one gives a shit. I can talk until I'm blue int he face and no one is going to care, especially not him. Anything I say goes in one ear and out the other. It's like talking to a brick wall. I actually thinkt hat having a conversation with a brick wall might be more productive at times. I know I talk badly about his father, and I know that's wrong. especially considering that it IS his father, but most people within their right minds can't blame me. The man treats me almost identically to someone who beat, sodomized and raped me for nearly three years straight and more or less ruined my life. Perhaps not ruined the whole thing, but completely destroyed my self esteem, self respect and my identity. How is it that I'm supposed to be okay with his twin coming around here and continuously hurting me?

I feel so depressed. Not only do I have the ORIGINAL bad memories floating around in my mind now, I have new horrible ones courtesy of my boyfriend's father.

I feel ruined.

Finally!

The first day at work where i've actually eaten as I'm supposed to! Might update with more detail later. you know how difficult it gets during the workweek.

apparently...

RESULTS - GUIDELINE ONLY

Maintenance:	2942 Calories/day
Fat Loss:	2353 Calories/day
Extreme Fat Loss:	1765 Calories/day
Now that I work out and have a physical job, those are my calorie needs. Interesting.

Ugh.

I feel horrible. I didn't even eat that much today and I feel bloated and uncomfortable. I'm trying so hard to lose more weight and I feel like nothing is happening. I've been eating more but since I have a job, it's sort of necessary. I guess I have to somehow try to put a curb on it. It sucks so bad though. :/

Ho Hum.

So. I've eaten nearly nothing today (thank god). I thought I was going to get a little peckish at night when I have nothing really to do other than hang around, watch television and potentially eat. I ate one dream muffin, which has a total of like...200 calories or thereabouts I think. I also had a miniature candy bar, which was 150, and of course, some jelly berries, which were nearly nothing as well. I want a glass of juice but I'm not sure if that's really on the 'diet' thing that i've been going on. I've never been so tired in my life, but my back hurts very badly right now. I'm really uncomfortable and I have no desire to do anything other than be awake because as I said, it hurts too much to sleep. I'm going to take out the money so i can go join the gym tomorrow. I was trying to avoid it but it's just something that I have to do. Even if I walk on the treadmill for a couple of miles per day, it has to be done, I have to do SOMETHING, SOMEHOW. And I need to lay off the junk but I'm not having such a good time of that. I rather like noshing on junk and it's going to be considerably difficult to wean myself off of it.

I have a job.

Since it's a night job and I've needed energy and have been eating an awful lot, I don't know how this is going to effect my weight but it's scaring me since I've been eating ALOT more than I usually do. It's hard to help though, considering that I'm always hungry because of the physical amount of exertion that goes into my job. I dunno. I've been at it for a week. I guess we'll see. I'm going to start the whole dieting thing again on monday since it was my first week this week and I've been trying as hard as I can to do well and ignoring diet guidelines.

It's been so long. I've been so busy.

Yeah, not much to say or do or explain. Life in of itself has just taken it's toll. I've been rejected for a bunch of jobs where my boyfriend works, and here are a couple of people there who might be interested in me, but I don't care anymore. I'm so horribly depressed over it but there's not much I can do.

Anyway.

Just figured I'd use this entry as a bit of a scratching list so I can talk about what places i'd like to go on vacation someday. Hoping that doing a little dreaming about getting away will make me much less depressed. I'll write another, longer entry later, but right now I just don't have it in me. I'm more upset than anything else.

• Indonesia
• Malaysia
• Philippines
• Singapore
• Thailand
• Vietnam
• China
• Japan
• Mongolia
• South Korea
• Hong Kong
• Sri Lanka
• India
• Bangladesh
• Morocco
• Egypt
• Cyprus
• Lebanon
• Possibly Pakistan

I'm sure there are like one or two more, but for the most part I've gotten that I'd like to explore Asia. Of course there are other spots that interest me, mostly in Europe, but there's something so mystical and interesting about Asia that I would like to experience piece by piece.